


Confusion

by fire_sprite



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Bisexual Dean Winchester, Bisexual Male Character, Gender Dysphoria, Gender Identity, Gender Issues, Genderfluid Character, Genderfluid Dean, Genderfluid Dean Winchester, John Winchester's A+ Parenting, M/M, Trans Male Character, Trans Sam Winchester
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-19
Updated: 2017-07-19
Packaged: 2018-12-04 02:47:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,305
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11545899
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fire_sprite/pseuds/fire_sprite
Summary: Dean Winchester is a confused man.Scratch that, just confused.





	Confusion

John Winchester has never been accepting of those who are different.

 _Ironic,_ Dean thinks, that a _hunter,_ of all people, should be the one telling people that they’re too different for their own good.

 

John Winchester taught Dean how to hunt, how to repair a car engine, how to keep his head down. He has never taught Dean how to make his father happy.

 

Dean―well―he’s not one of _them._ He doesn’t want to coat himself in glitter and wear a tutu on top of a parade float.

 

_Dean is twelve._

_John mutters something under his breath as they pass a parade._

_A group of―guys? girls?―chant something._

_“Love is love! Love is love! Love is love!”_

 

_Love is love._

_Dean feels something stir in his chest._

 

_Then he looks at his father’s disgusted face, and it is gone._

 

Dean isn’t a f _―_ he’s not _gay._

 

_Dean is thirteen and his little sister is pulling on his shirt with a worried look on her face._

_“Dean?”_

_Dean sits down on the hotel couch and looks at her._

_“Yeah, what’s up, ‘Mantha?”_

_She wrinkles her nose. “Don’t call me that. That’s not my name.”_

_“All right, what is your name, then?” Dean asks playfully. Samantha takes a deep breath._

_“Dean, I think I’m a boy,” she says, looking up at him with serious green eyes._

_He is silent._

_Then,_

_“What?”_

_Dean’s heart drops as they see their father in the doorway._

_“What are you talking about?”_

_He strides over to them, towering over his sister._

_“Dad, I―I think I’m a boy,” Samantha says, her hands shaking._

_John sits down next to her, his face impassive._

_“Samantha, no.”_

_Samantha barely gets her next word out. “What?”_

_John puts his hand on her back. “Samantha, you know I love you, but you’re my daughter.”_

_He continues. Dean has anticipated this, he knew this would happen, but he can’t stop it―_

_“Don’t embarrass me like this.” John finishes, and stands up. “I have to go run an errand. I’ll be back in an hour.”_

_For once, Dean’s loyalty to his s―no, his brother―is greater than his loyalty to his father._

_I hope you’re never back, he thinks._

_As soon as the door closes, Samantha hiccups and tears flow freely over her face. Dean pulls him close into a tight bear hug._

_“Shh, shh, it’s all right, Sammy,” he vaguely hears himself saying. “It’s gonna be okay, it’s gonna be okay...”_

 

_Sammy’s hair ends up in the trashcan._

_When John returns, Dean stands in front of Sammy and takes the blows._

 

_The bruises fade after three weeks._

 

Dean is in-between.

 

He learns about it _―_ whatever it is―as time goes on.

Once, Dean sneaks out to see a rally. He passes it off as getting lost.

 

_Dean is fourteen._

_A boy in one of his classes has caught his eye. Adrian._

_He tries to shake it off, but his thoughts wander around to him somehow._

_When Adrian gives him a polite smile, butterflies erupt in his stomach._

_It’s no use telling Sammy or John. They wouldn’t understand._

_Dean resorts to asking out Olivia, some girl that sits behind him in Biology._

_They never go on another date after―Olivia says Dean is “too distracted.”_

 

John still calls Sammy “Samantha,” and ignores him most times.

 

Masculinity is a narrow path to follow.

 

_Dean is fifteen, and he kind of likes the idea of piercing his ears._

_John gives him a strange look, saying that piercing your ears is for girls―shooting a glance at Sam, who avoids it―and Dean never mentions it again._

 

Sam is into this stuff. When John isn’t around, Sam talks about it freely, bright-eyed and “Dean, get this, there’s a gender where you can be both!” and Dean chuckles, “well, what do ya you know about that,” and tries to listen and understand best he can.

 

_Dean is thirty-five, and he is in the bunker._

_He’s folding clothes when Sam confronts him seriously._

_“Dean, can I talk to you for a second?”_

_“Sure, Sam, what’s up?”_

_“You like boys and girls, right?”_

_The question stops him, renders him mute before he can finally sputter out an answer._

_“What?” he grins nervously. “Sammy, I’m not gay, you know that―didn’t you see me hit up that girl at the grocery store―”_

_“Dean.” Sam pauses. “Adrian, Brendon,” he looks around nervously, lowering his voice to a whisper, “Castiel,”_

_“I’m not gay for Castiel!” Dean says loudly. Sam mutters something under his breath and faces him again._

_“Dean, just―Jesus, just look up ‘bisexual’ when you have the time.” Sam turns on his heel and leaves Dean speechless, wondering what the hell happened._

 

_To spite him, Dean doesn’t look up bi-whatever for a few days._

_Then his curiosity gets the better of him, and he finds the definition._

_“Bisexual: to be sexually attracted to both men and women,” Google reads._

_“Bisexual,” Dean mutters._

 

Now that he is on his own _―_ excepting Sammy, obviously _―_ he finally realizes his _freedom._

Dean sneaks glances at the women’s section of the store, decides _fuck it, these are damn cute,_ and buys a single pair of lacy pink panties.

It isn’t until he stuffs his jeans back on back at the bunker that he realizes Sam might notice if there’s chick wear in the laundry, and he silently curses himself all through dinner.

Dean then volunteers to be on laundry duty for the rest of the week, prompting both a confused look and a relieved smile from Sam.

 

Dean gets braver. He paints his pinkie finger a glittery, transparent shade. Unfortunately, he panics and scratches it off before anyone can see it―barely before he leaves his bedroom.

 

He still reads _Busty Asian Beauties,_ and he’s struck by how _beautiful_ the girls are―not that he hasn’t noticed it before, obviously―but Dean is smart enough to realize that he actually _wants_ to look like them.

 

Dean’s room came with a full-length mirror, and although he’s never been averse to them, Dean finds that his eyes linger more on it, and he’s painfully reminded of how blockish his body is. Something his past self might have been proud of, he’s now almost ashamed of.

 

_Dean is coming back from a hunt, exhausted and ready for a shower, when he glances over at the mirror._

_Immediately, discomfort hits home._

_But it’s different―he doesn’t just hate the obvious masculinity of his body, he doesn’t want femininity either so_ what is _he?_

_He._

_Dean swears under his―her―whatever’s―breath and tries to keep the thoughts at bay, but it’s useless, considering that the shower only reminds him._

 

Dean takes a deep breath and types “gender identities” into the Google search bar.

Almost immediately, foreign words pop up and he closes the tab, overwhelmed.

 

Over the days, Dean looks up the different words, getting acquainted with each of them as if with old friends.

He’s stuck on a few, and finds himself thinking of it more often. It distracts him, but he welcomes it over the… other thoughts.

 

He finds the derogatory posts soon, the ones that make him gulp and hold down tears and press his nails into his face.

 

But he also finds “pride accounts,” which, although a little confusing, make him feel better, put a smile on his face, and most of all, raise his hope for the future.

 

Dean, though his hands are shaking, wears the same shimmery shade of polish on his hands on a hunt, and Sam makes no comment―he’s not sure if that’s a good thing or a bad thing, and he can decide later.

 

However, the important thing is that Dean’s getting better with the whole gender thing.

Even if Dean’s not entirely sure what they identify as, _it’s okay._

_It’s okay._


End file.
